How to start a romantic relationship?
You’ve just met someone, and the next date is approaching. When you don’t know each other, the beginnings can sometimes be a bit difficult. To put the odds on your side and ensure that you get off to a good start, follow the advice of clinical psychologist and psychotherapist, Elisabeth Couzon.
Stay focused on yourself
Knowing what you want and what you don’t want is imperative to starting a relationship right. Elisabeth Couzon, psychologist advises asking yourself the following questions: “What is important to me? What do I really want now, what do I need? “
As we know, the “ideal” man does not exist (neither does the woman, for that matter!), Beware of our imagination, of the fantasies that we can have of a relationship: if we expect too much of it. other, he will be afraid and flee. You have to take it slow and keep your feet on the ground. Having too many expectations necessarily creates too many demands, which a man will not be able to meet.
For the specialist, “looking for true love” is already bad for the relationship, because you should not expect everything from the other. You first need to be clear with yourself, know what you really want without setting the bar too high, before starting a new relationship.
Pay attention to what is happening
The words used are as important as the manner of speaking. Stay tuned to your body, to the sensations that pass through it. You have to listen to yourself and to others at the same time. Be careful, as the psychologist warns, you must not just listen to the other, wanting to “please” the other too much means that you can forget yourself, and that is not good for you. the rest of the relationship.
Taking your time is imperative, getting to know others. We often want to hear from each other that “yes, we are a couple,” and men don’t usually like to put words to that. On the other hand, as the psychologist explains, they show it, and you just have to open your eyes to know whether or not you are important in his eyes: he gives you regular news, on Saturday evening he spends the evening with you and not with someone else, he lets go of a soccer game to spend time with you… Every man is different and sends his own signals, so keep your eyes open!
Confidence gradually sets in, and certain reassuring signs such as the fact that he answers your messages, that he asks you about your week if you have not seen each other for a few days, if he shows interest and questions you about who you are, and if he begins to tell you more intimate things about him … It is with this confidence that you will gradually return to the intimacy of the other, but that is not done not from the first dates, a little patience!
Find the right distance
A romantic relationship is based on a good balance: especially leave space for desire. If there is too much desire, there will be too much fusion and the man may feel overwhelmed and may let go.
It is important to create a gap, not to send 10 messages during the day (even if you are excited to have met this person, take it upon yourself!).
Let the relationship settle in little by little, and enjoy the enchantment of the meeting without suffocating the other.
Play the seduction game: if you want to go too fast and want everything right away, the man, under pressure, may be able to say no and go, and that’s really not what you want , not true ? “The faster it goes, the faster it will be left: if you go too quickly at the start of a relationship, it may not last …”, explains the specialist.
Pay attention to the needs of the other, some people don’t need to see each other very often, but that doesn’t mean the person doesn’t want you. For your part, you may need to see the person on a daily basis (be careful not to suffocate them), so you have to apprehend the other, and please both sides, find a happy medium.
Elisabeth Couzon’s advice is to “stay in symmetry”. That is, if the other one makes a phone call after 3 days, wait 3 days for the next phone call. Leave time between each text. Likewise, when chatting, go with the flow, synchronizing the conversation really helps communicate better. We must not go faster than the music and establish a “relational symmetry”. Let yourself be guided and adapt to the person you have in front of you …
Take the time to discover yourself
Wait a minute to talk about love, there are a whole lot of subjects to discuss beforehand: what we are, our values, our way of life, our projects, our desires… Do not forget to let the other speak too (even if you are very talkative!), to find out what points you have in common.
If differences appear, don’t panic, they can even be an enrichment, as long as you spot them and come to an agreement, so as not to create frustration later.
We can’t say it enough, the key to a healthy relationship is communication!
Do you preferably speak face to face: Men (unlike many of us) are not on the phone for hours. Seeing yourself allows you to discover the other in more depth, you can learn a lot about the other, especially by observing their gestures …
In the early days, it is best to see each other face to face to learn more about each other. But introducing your friends and meeting your own is also interesting for discovering the other in their environment. Here too you have to know how to play “relational symmetry” by avoiding introducing him to all his friends if he has not yet introduced you to a single person. In this case, wait a bit to introduce the others …
If during the first moments together, small arguments appear, nothing serious, that does not mean that the relationship will end. We just have to talk about it, without making a drama of it. You don’t know each other, you learn more about each other every day, and sometimes disagreements can arise: you can misinterpret a word, and men don’t always see things the same way we do. In this case it is imperative to clarify the misunderstandings, not to wait. Be careful to do it lightly, by expressing your feelings by using the “I” rather than the “you”: “I felt hurt when you said such and such a thing…”.
For the psychologist, “Making a relationship last is based in particular on the ability to clarify the various clumsiness”.
What about exes?
There are no rules, but it is not worth saying too much, at the risk of breaking the spell of the meeting, you have to stay in the seduction.
“Women can tend to be very curious, and question the man about his last relationships, but he probably doesn’t want to be questioned. And you might regret it later: knowing too much can make you think… ”, explains Elisabeth Couzon.
As far as you are concerned, you must have mourned your previous romantic relationship. If not, you might experience the new relationship as a reaction or compensation for the previous one. You may be expressing anger or showing a lack of investment that you haven’t “finished” the past relationship.
You have to do some work on yourself upstream, and make a point: “What did I learn? What are the injuries? Where I am ? Is there a feeling of abandonment, rejection, humiliation, betrayal to deal with? “If so, work on it …
How to deal with a too quick start to a romantic relationship?
The beginning of a romantic relationship … You met and immediately: it matched. Maybe you kissed on the first date, or maybe you even just had a quick night out. But very quickly you came back to reality and saw that things had gone a bit fast. Maybe you’ve got a little carried away, and things are moving too quickly for your liking, in the eyes of the person you met, or maybe you even share that opinion (and in these cases, good for you: it will probably be easier to adjust the shot!).
So today, we’re giving you some tips for dealing with a too quick start to a romantic relationship!
1. Take a break, and take stock of this early relationship too quickly
Indeed, to begin with, stop the progress of your relationship and do a little internal check on your state of mind, first on an individual basis.
Concretely, take some time for yourself, at least a few minutes but maybe a few days, to refocus on your feelings, your deep desires, and reality (your reality!). Almost like a chakra alignment checkup, make sure you are in tune with yourself.
Typically, if your actions have gone faster than your desires or thoughts, you will need to make an adjustment so that things can go smoothly afterwards, and your balance is preserved.
2. Take stock together, communicate about the beginning of your romantic relationship
The first step in making an adjustment is to talk to your partner. Do not go back without explaining how you are feeling and why you are slowing down, as the person you have met might blame themselves or wonder what is going on, if you have changed your mind about the start of your relationship. relationship, etc. Indeed, if you realize that you want to cut this relationship short, be frank.
But if you still want to continue this relationship, just explain that you need to take your time and that things have gone too fast for you. Besides, maybe your super match feels the same turmoil and will be relieved that you dare to put it into words.
3. Slow down the pace, discover yourself little by little
It is important to remember that before you are two people who meet and want to consider a romantic relationship and a common future, you are … two people meeting!
What I mean is that it is important first of all to discover yourself and get to know each other, before embarking on joint projects, or physical reconciliations that would go too quickly for your liking. . Sharing other moments, such as going to the cinema, to the museum, taking a walk, etc., will allow you to get to know yourself better, to form a strong bond and to gradually learn to trust yourself.
That way, you’ll be more relaxed and at ease as you move forward in your relationship (either physically, or in terms of plans for the future.)
4. Move forward in your romantic relationship step by step: find your rhythm
There is no rule such as “do not kiss before the 3rd date”, “do not sleep before one month of relationship”, or “do not introduce his / her partner to his / her parents before three months of relationship” , nor is there an order concerning the steps to be taken. Trust yourself, and find a balance with the person you are building that relationship with.
Try not to get too caught up in the social demands that you do this or that at such and such a time, or that before that. Rather, protect your relationship from outside pressures and make each other feel good about each other.
Everyone lives their relationship as they see fit, and the main thing is that you both feel comfortable and fulfilled, at your own pace. The most important thing is that you never force yourself to go faster, or do anything that rings wrong with you.